Not That Complicated

Has it really only been 11 months since you moved on to higher ground?  There are days it feels like it was forever ago.  While  you have moved into eternity, life here has managed to keep moving forward.  If you had asked me even just a few months ago if things were moving forward, I would have denied it.  Most days I have felt stagnant. I keep getting up each day and going to work.  Watching Nate get bigger and bigger helps to mark the time,.  The seasons keep changing.  The cares and worries of life keep cropping up to push grieving to the back burner. Initially I would feel almost guilty if I hadn't cried in a few days or had neglected to obsess over your passing.  Dealing with all the legal aspects kept me stirred up for the first 8 months, but by March, all of that was over.  Between that and some medication changes, I haven't felt as crazy and out of control with all of my emotions. A few weeks ago, I was finally called...

2:50 a.m. Friday. July 23, 2017, I shouted something into the atmosphere.  I have repeated it often since that moment.  “My Jehovah Jireh is going to show up and show out!” . I’ve had almost 8 months to sit back and watch God do what he does for his children.  This bold proclamation of faith wasn’t born out of anything other than my experience with God in the past.  I’ve had about 25 years of experiencing God work in my life in dramatic ways.  Often these have been at times when I was my absolute weakest without anything to offer.  Often I was begging for strength or rescue from some mess that was 100% all my fault.  How is it that with this rich history of God’s fingerprints all over my life I can still struggle with depression and anxiety to a crippling extreme at times? Flesh? Sin? Trust issues?  I guess the list could go on and on.  The past couple of months I have struggled to sit in sadness.  Happiness and jo...

A split second A green light A stolen car A chase A badge, a gun, and a big Crown Victoria An adrenaline rush A lack of judgement A collision A split second A life lost A son gone A brother and friend dead Done Finished on this earthly plain A split second A bright light A welcomed hug An inexpressible joy A walk into eternity A mother A brother A friend A pain that lingers A grace to keep going A faith that this is not the end

 I'm wired to exceed expectations during the toughest times.  I'm wired to cope, to push through, to find the spiritual silver lining in all of the pain.  Then about six months after the fact, when people expect that things should be moving forward for me, I'm falling apart.  It's been a predictable pattern throughout my life that I first experienced when I lost twins at 22 weeks in  my early 20's.  And so here we are, almost 6 months after Josh has been gone and I've cried everyday this week and completely feel like I'm coming unraveled.  The broken furnace and frozen pipes helped to push me to my breaking point..  They were cruel reminders that my son wasn't around to lend a hand.  He wasn't there to call.  He wasn't there to help me figure out what needed to be done.  He wasn't there to point out the irony and humor in all that was happening. While driving to work on Wednesday, crying  I finally spoke out loud the obviou...

It's New Year's Eve, 2017.  I'm wringing/ringing it in with a cup of coffee and sweet memories.Old year gone, New Year on the way.  I treated myself to sitting and watching several little videos of Josh that I had found on his computer.  They make me laugh because they are just as if he is here talking to me, complete with squirrel chasing as only Josh can do.  I was blessed to have two sweet young ladies come over and watch them with me.  They were friends of Josh and we laughed and cried a talked and it was good!  Although the first half of the month started out hopeful and optimistic, by this last day of the year, I'm  more melancholy.  I struggle letting myself have negative feelings, I would rather everything be rainbows and blue skies.  My mom was a lot like that, always wanting to see the bright side.  She had a way of taking negative things and flipping them around so they didn't seem so bad.  I think they call that den...

Thanksgiving day was unusually unemotional and calm . My sister kept me well distracted.  Unfortunately, the next two days absolutely sucked....no better word for it.  I felt like the only way I could care less would be if I were dead.  I could'nt care less about anything.  Going to work, pretending to be normal, all of the things required for being a "good citizen," I just felt done.  But I kept getting up and going through the motions, until this weekend when my mood brightened, at last. Grief has made me understand what it must feel like to be  bipolar .  I am feeling positive, hopeful, and an hour later I'm sad and tearful.  It's aa roller coaster ride.  I have flipped and flopped over whether or not to put up a Christmas tree.  Initially, I decided to skip all holidays and avoid people.  But as the lights go up in neighborhoods and the twinkling trees and ornaments I'm distracted and daydreaming. I'm like a little kid who fin...

Thank you for hard stuff this year, God. It has certainly helped shift my paradigm and look at life differently. Thank you for staying so close to my side as I have walked through some of my darkest days. Thank you for letting the tears fall and the feelings come and giving me the presence of mind to experience them, as my nature is to run.  Thank you for giving my oldest son such broad shoulders and compassion for his mother.  I've cherished every moment we have shared over the past four months. Thank you for all of the special treasures Josh has left behind for me to find.  It has been so sweet and unexpected. Thank you for shining your light of truth on this horrible accident so that Josh's death couldn't be ignored or passed over as simply unfortunate. Thank you for the fall leaves and the eyes you've given me to see them and acknowledge you as Creator. Thank you for courage and strength. Thank you for unexpected new friendships born out o...