Time Challenge


It's New Year's Eve, 2017.  I'm wringing/ringing it in with a cup of coffee and sweet memories.Old year gone, New Year on the way.  I treated myself to sitting and watching several little videos of Josh that I had found on his computer.  They make me laugh because they are just as if he is here talking to me, complete with squirrel chasing as only Josh can do. 

I was blessed to have two sweet young ladies come over and watch them with me.  They were friends of Josh and we laughed and cried a talked and it was good! 

Although the first half of the month started out hopeful and optimistic, by this last day of the year, I'm  more melancholy.  I struggle letting myself have negative feelings, I would rather everything be rainbows and blue skies.  My mom was a lot like that, always wanting to see the bright side.  She had a way of taking negative things and flipping them around so they didn't seem so bad.  I think they call that denial.

Today, as I was driving to church, I found myself feeling emotional.  I was really struggling going at all.  In fact, I didn't go, I just did a drive by.  I told my sister, that sometimes Sundays just make me sad and that makes me mad, because I have always loved Sundays. 

I don't understand why God would let Josh die on a Sunday of all days.  Here I want in my heart to go and praise God and worship, but more often, I am just sad that my son died on a Sunday.  Josh ran the sound system on Sundays.  I knew that even if I hadn't heard from him all week, I could walk in to church and 9 times out of 10 he would be there to give me a hug.  We used Sundays as our catch up days.  We'd often go out to lunch afterword.  I really miss that.  I miss seeing him when I walk into church.  We had gone to that church together for 12 or 13 years.  Now the place that was my refuge and anchor makes me feel sad and conflicted. It is what is. 

As I was enjoying videos of Josh yesterday, I came across a video he made in January 2017 on his way for a weekend with friends in the mountains.  He was talking about time and how he needed to do better with his time.  It was supposed to be a 3 minute video, but in true Josh fashion, he underestimated how much time he would need.  It was as if he were speaking to me from the grave, reminding me that I only right now.  I'm not even guaranteed the whole day.   Wow, what would it look like if I believed that? 

Enjoy the video and feeling like you are sitting car next to Josh as he works through his thoughts about time. Just follow the link.

Josh Martin/TIME 2017

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