Pained Praise

It was at sunset one evening and Josh was on his way out of the house.  "Mom, you gotta see this, it's incredible!" Before I could get up and get to the porch, he grabbed my phone and snapped this picture of a moth. It was large and unusual, It hung upside down on the roof of the porch.  I looked at it and said, "Thanks."  "I knew you would think it was cool." he said.

I did think it was cool.  God's creation has always captivated my attention and imagination.  The colors, the shapes, the designs in nature just amaze me at God's generosity to his children who he has given eyes to see and a mind to appreciate the beauty that is everywhere.  I shared that with Josh.  I would look for opportunities to point out sunsets, cloud patterns,  birds in flight, anything and everything  in nature.  Have you ever noticed  how the highest leaves in a group of trees seem to be waving at God to get his attention.  Just an occasional single leaf flapping back and forth, "Pick me! Pick me?"

Today is the last day of September.  There is a breeze big enough to let my wind chimes tinkle as an occasional golden leaf dances to the ground.  Change is coming.  The days will grow shorter and the air will get crisper. 

You would think my sadness would have lessened by now. I really had no idea that the more time that passed the more painful and real it could get.  There is a lesson there,  when you have friends who have experienced loss, time doesn't always make it easier.  Time can be just a reminder of all you have lost and everything they are missing.

July 23 my world crunched to a tragic halt.  In an instant, everything I though was important, everything I thought I  dreamed of  doing, every viewpoint  I had of life was forever changed.  Not necessary all a bad thing, it has just changed.  I can tell it in my job, in the way I interpret the news, in the way I view other people and the stress of life.  It is all different because Joshua is gone.

A special friend who is also grieving over Josh said it this way, "Every silver car that passes the house, every camping fire made, every time I walk upstairs.....he is always on my mind."  For my sister, it's thinking of all the times she could call Josh and now she can't.  She keeps waiting for him to just come back, come on in the house so she can talk to him again.  For all of us it's something different, but it is ever present.  A painful tender spot that reminds us nothing is the same.

I let the tears roll down my face as I squeeze my eyes so tightly it feels like my eyelids turn inside out.  I opened my mouth and my silent cries and screams  are only known to God.  Hands clasped, head bowed, I cry out to God and tell him I don't think I can stand it, I want my boy back!  There is no way around it, it just hurts.

Still God reaches me in the depths of my pain with the gentle tinkling of the wind chimes and distant chirping of birds.  He generously opens my eyes to see color, my ears to hear sound, allows my skin to feel the breeze, and my mouth to sip a warm cup of coffee.  I can't help but find reasons to praise him in the middle of this pain.