Not That Complicated

It's New Year's Eve, 2017.  I'm wringing/ringing it in with a cup of coffee and sweet memories.Old year gone, New Year on the way.  I treated myself to sitting and watching several little videos of Josh that I had found on his computer.  They make me laugh because they are just as if he is here talking to me, complete with squirrel chasing as only Josh can do.  I was blessed to have two sweet young ladies come over and watch them with me.  They were friends of Josh and we laughed and cried a talked and it was good!  Although the first half of the month started out hopeful and optimistic, by this last day of the year, I'm  more melancholy.  I struggle letting myself have negative feelings, I would rather everything be rainbows and blue skies.  My mom was a lot like that, always wanting to see the bright side.  She had a way of taking negative things and flipping them around so they didn't seem so bad.  I think they call that denial. Today, as I was driving to

Thanksgiving day was unusually unemotional and calm . My sister kept me well distracted.  Unfortunately, the next two days absolutely sucked....no better word for it.  I felt like the only way I could care less would be if I were dead.  I could'nt care less about anything.  Going to work, pretending to be normal, all of the things required for being a "good citizen," I just felt done.  But I kept getting up and going through the motions, until this weekend when my mood brightened, at last. Grief has made me understand what it must feel like to be  bipolar .  I am feeling positive, hopeful, and an hour later I'm sad and tearful.  It's aa roller coaster ride.  I have flipped and flopped over whether or not to put up a Christmas tree.  Initially, I decided to skip all holidays and avoid people.  But as the lights go up in neighborhoods and the twinkling trees and ornaments I'm distracted and daydreaming. I'm like a little kid who finds something magical abo