Hard Things

Thanksgiving day was unusually unemotional and calm. My sister kept me well distracted.  Unfortunately, the next two days absolutely sucked....no better word for it.  I felt like the only way I could care less would be if I were dead.  I could'nt care less about anything.  Going to work, pretending to be normal, all of the things required for being a "good citizen," I just felt done.  But I kept getting up and going through the motions, until this weekend when my mood brightened, at last.

Grief has made me understand what it must feel like to be  bipolar.  I am feeling positive, hopeful, and an hour later I'm sad and tearful.  It's aa roller coaster ride.  I have flipped and flopped over whether or not to put up a Christmas tree.  Initially, I decided to skip all holidays and avoid people.  But as the lights go up in neighborhoods and the twinkling trees and ornaments I'm distracted and daydreaming. I'm like a little kid who finds something magical about Christmas and all of the things that make it fun for children. 

Depression and other issues have overshadowed many of the past several Christmas'.  Josh was the one thing that kept it going for me.  Josh liked it simple.  Sure he would have happily accepted a million dollar Christmas extravaganza, but that was never the case in our house.  It was a simple, cozy time of silly little traditions.  A Farmer's Alamanac for the upcoming year, sleep pants, slippers, a few other small things.  As Josh had gotten older, he started putting things in my stocking, such sweet memories. 

I finally committed to putting up a tree this weekend, and I'm glad I did.  It's a sweet little tree with ornaments I'd given Josh over the years.  I moved the special picture I had been given of him after he died to a different wall in the livingroom, Now a wreath hangs in it's place above the mantle.  I decided I would choose life and joy and new beginnings for the coming year.  The pain and it's waves will keep me pushed to and fro, but I'm going to choose to be alive.

This weekend marks a new beginning all by myself.  I've moved on from people pleasing and dead end relationships.  Josh would be amazed that I really did it.  I know he would be proud of me.  He'd encourage me to stay busy with friends.  He'd feel like it was his place to come by and check on me and make sure I wasn't closing myself off to the world.  He wanted me to have so much more in life than what I've settled for.  It's embarrassing to say that in many ways over the past few years he had become a far better friend to me than I was a mother to him. His big precious heart loved me a lot and I am blessed. 

It's hard to choose life somedays, but I have many other reasons to choose it.  I have a beautiful energetic 2 year old grandson who thinks I"m awesome.  I have a 30 yeara old son who I'm getting to watch grow into a really special young man.  I have dear friends that mean so much to me and want to see me be my best self.  Josh's death has been horrible.  The whole is huge that it's left in my soul, but his death isn't the only thing that has happened in the world.  I don't want to be so lost in his death that I miss what's right before my very eyes today.