More than a wreck

Has it really only been 11 months since you moved on to higher ground?  There are days it feels like it was forever ago.  While  you have moved into eternity, life here has managed to keep moving forward.  If you had asked me even just a few months ago if things were moving forward, I would have denied it.  Most days I have felt stagnant. I keep getting up each day and going to work.  Watching Nate get bigger and bigger helps to mark the time,.  The seasons keep changing.  The cares and worries of life keep cropping up to push grieving to the back burner.

Initially I would feel almost guilty if I hadn't cried in a few days or had neglected to obsess over your passing.  Dealing with all the legal aspects kept me stirred up for the first 8 months, but by March, all of that was over.  Between that and some medication changes, I haven't felt as crazy and out of control with all of my emotions.

A few weeks ago, I was finally called  to pick up the "real" death certificates I'd ordered from the funeral home.  Where manner of death had said "pending," it now said HOMICIDE.   At this late date I really don't have a need for 10 official blue  Death Certificates.  I guess I'll keep them with all of the other things I can't bring myself to let go of, like  your duplicate schools photos and old Bibles.

As July gets closer, I realize it's time to let go of  your crumpled car behind the shed.  I've been talking about and planning to send a letter to the South Carolina Law Enforcement Academy in Columbia.  I can hear you now, "but have you done it yet?" I want  to ask them if they would be willing to accept the car as tool for the driver training portion of their program for new officers.  The before and after pictures speak for themselves. The lessons here are limitless, like a split second matters.  a tempered use of adrenaline is necessary to avoid mistakes; following policy has to be the rule, not the exception.  The bigger picture is public safety; not just safety from the criminal at large, but also to safely go about everyday life without  the fear of being run over by the police.

My desire to contact the academy was spurred on last week when a near miss could have cost a young woman her life while she was getting on the school bus.  A busy, hard working officer was doing her job, but somehow became distracted and an innocent bystander could have been killed.

I guess more than that, I feel like it's time to move past the wreck.  The sum total of your life was so much more than this mangled metal.  Your life is worth remembering, each detail, each memory, each smile and laugh.  This wreck was a brief second in time.

Your example, Josh, of being kind, compassionate and loving has been something that has kept me steady through this tragedy.  I've wanted my behavior to reflect something you would be proud to see.  I've really missed  talking to you and getting your level headed advice.  You always had a way of speaking truth to me that seemed like it came straight from God.  Such sweet memories.  You introduced this song to me when you were 14.  You told me I would think it was cool.  It's my favorite song.  It reminds me of you and you reminding me He loves us!