I'm Not The Only One

Mother's Day left me tearful. I'm finding myself feeling anger and sadness as June is just around the corner which means July is sure to come. I kept saying my anger wasn't with a person, but it was anger that this is the way is has to be, anger that this has to happen at all. Truth is, though, I'm angry at God. I'm angry that he didn't intervene. I'm angry that he knew how much I depended on you and how you ministered to me on so many levels. God knows I've been angry, he is I Am after all. God knows that I hurt, He sees me when I cry, He hears me when I have little invisible conversation with you. This week when I was telling you "I'm just plain mad," I could see you standing in front of me saying, "Mom, get a grip. It's going to be okay. What's the worst that could happen? I already died." It was that unmistakable voice you used when you would assure me, "Hey, I got this." I know you think all of the drama is so unnecessary, given the fact that I'm going to see you again. How fearless you've always been.

When I was sharing this with a friend this week, I became aware of a different pain and anger that I hadn't considered in a long time. This world is so much bigger than me and there are so many other people affected by your loss. Every Sunday I see them. The Pastor who had become a good friend. His family, whose home you had left before the accident. There is James and Simone who've named their son after you. There is Beka who was overwhelmed with your helpfulness with her children that night. She said it's like you were so intuitive to what was helpful. Then that sweet quiet spirit who sings in the Praise Team. She was minutes behind you when you died. Forever her life has changed as she tries to understand why it wasn't her. There's Angie and Willy who've shared Sunday mornings with you since you were 14 and first started working the sound board. You were in the process of training someone to take your place. It left him hurt and angry and he still had to drive through the intersection where the accident happen multiple times a day for work. Countless others from our faith community who watched you grow up from age 9. The pain and sadness touched so many. There was Emily who had been your friend since she was 9. She who loved you very much. Scottie and Angie had opened their home and had grown so close to you. Their hearts broke as if you were their own son. Angie was the person I needed to see that night. I needed to hug your other mother. I knew heart was breaking too. Your bro's loved you as brothers. I will never forget Jake, Jut, and Chase's face that night. Pete depended on you too and losing you was so hard for him. You were just about to be the Best Man in Hayden's wedding. He was so thoughtful to offer me the outfit you were supposed to wear. I assured him you would want the cargo shorts and the Chako sandals. Your own brother, Zach, has struggled these past 2 years. He too didn't understand why it had to be you, and not him. He knew how much you were impacting people around you. I assured him God knew what he was doing, even if I didn't. He coped by getting a tattoo of you on his chest. Forever you are in his heart. Your Aunt Candy considered you her own. The first 7 years of your life she saw you almost daily. When you graduated from kindergarten, it was Aunt Candy who cried because you were getting too big. Your death also left a big hole in DJ's heart. You were her brother. She confided in you. You were a good Uncle to Tucker when she visited. Tommy's heart broke too when you died. He knew he hadn't been the "step-father" you needed. He did love you, though, and had great respect for the kind of person you were. School friends, college friends, employers, on and on the list could go. All of them have this deep loss, just like me. All of them have unanswered questions. All of them feel a pang in their hearts as July approaches. I've learned so much in the past two years. There is this whole silent world of grieving parents, whose hearts continue to ache years and years after they've lost their child. I've been amazed that every single day, another mother joins this silent world. On days when I can see beyond my grief, there is a group of women I can reach out to for encouragement. They are all at different places in their journey. I'm learning I won't get over it, but I will move forward with it. In my naivety, I was sure that I could "do the work" and then put it all in box for storage. After all, that's how I've handled all of my other tragedies. It was enlightening when I began to realize there is so much neglected grief that I've just put in boxes over the years. I'm glad I got to reflect on all of the other people who hurt daily because you aren't here. I'm not alone in my pain. Even when I'm mad, I know that God is good and he has been so faithful to me. I'm comforted in knowing that you are resting in peace and that I will be with you again. Thanks for reminding me it really isn't that complicated, you are okay.