Become Alive!

August 2016

Out of the mouth of babes.-- It was August, 2016 and Josh had left a little sign on my mantle.  It could have been directed at any of the three adults living there, myself included.  

Today, though, it takes on new meaning.  It's like Josh is exhorting me personally to keep pressing forward, to not just stop and settle.  

When I try to think about what makes me feel alive, I think of how I feel when I'm painting or writing.  It's hard to explain.  It's a private moment that I feel my most authentic self.  I feel freedom to put pretense aside and just become alive in the moment.  It's a place I find I can loose myself for hours and be completely oblivious of the loss of time.  Not a mind numbing loss of time like television.  More of a squeezing every last drop out of the moment.  Josh lived that way a lot, squeezing the last minutes out of the day.

The sign challenges me.  Will I look more alive in 10 years?  Not likely without some soul searching and change.  Living is comfortable enough.  Get up, go to work, come home, go to bed.  I've repeated the cycle for years .  Occasional bursts of being alive appeared here and there, but  not enough to say I feel like I've become fully alive.

Josh and I could talk about all kinds of things  He would listen to me go on and on about an epiphany I'd had while reading scripture.  Sometimes he would take me on drives in the cool of the evening along unknown back roads We were never at a loss for interesting conversation.  Josh wanted more than anything for me to be healthy and  fully alive.  He saw my sadness and was aware of my many regrets.  He wanted better for me than I wanted for myself.  

This grief I've tasted has certainly made me feel alive.  It hasn't been a robotic out of touch existence.  It's been a bitter sweet journey of deep feeling.  It's been frank conversations with God.  It's been asking questions without answers and looking for justice in an unjust world.  I guess being alive isn't just about experiencing the exhilaration but also feeling and tasting the pain that comes along in life.

My viewpoint has changed.  Suddenly life seems very short and completely beyond anything I can control.  It's like looking through broken glass.  Things aren't as clear  to me.  My vision is forever changed through the loss of my son.  Living was easy because it just kept happening, day after day and year and year.  Surely this can't be it.?  There must be more than  just slowly spinning in the drain of a life mundane.    

Josh  knew what it was like to be alive.   Now, in his death, he is experiencing an even fuller life in the spirit.  He isn't worried about me or thinking about me.  He is captivated and in awe of being in the presence of  God.  Striving has ceased. Searching and longing have all been fulfilled.  

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