Grief...new water to navigate

July 23, 2017 Joshua Caleb Martin died in a traffic accident.


It’s one month later and it feels like it was last week and a year ago at the same time.  The entire journey of pain has been a mix of bitter and sweet.  At the moment my heart was ripping in half, God kept pulling me closer, comforting me and assuring me that it will be OK.  Friends from all corners of my life rallied around.  People I hadn’t seen in 15 years showed up to tell me how much they cared.  Co-workers started a GoFundMe page that took off like wildfire.  A celebration of Josh’s life brought out people I had never met to share stories and laughs and memories of the bright light that was Joshua Caleb Martin.

Those first few weeks were so special and necessary.  Today, though, I find I am in a new place.  Anger rears it’s head and agitates me at work, at home, wherever.  The underlying feeling is MAD.  I am mad!  I am mad about the things I can’t control.  I’m mad that it has been 4 weeks and I still have no death certificate because it is being held up in an investigation into the “manner of death.”  I’m mad that the process of moving through this bureaucracy is so slow and torturous.  I’m mad that no one cares about helping a mother who needs her child’s cell phone, who needs his car, who needs his death certificate, who needs closure.  My son is dead! I am mad!
Part of me wants to scream and run through the streets acting like an idiot, daring the police to arrest me.  Another part wants to watch glass shatter and hit the floor.  Still another part just wants to run into my heavenly Father’s arms and just sob. It came to me today that anger has been my go to emotion since childhood.  I wasn’t a crybaby, I was more of the bully.  When things hurt, I took the pain and rearranged it and painted into anger.  Then as I grew older and the anger felt as if it were going to burst open, I began controlling it with sugar, a.k.a. carbohydrates.  Throughout my life I’ve found the challenge to giving up carbohydrates has been what to do with this uncomfortable pit in my stomach that I’ve labeled anger.  Controlling the anger feels necessary.  Being in control feels necessary.  Being nice and meeting everyone’s expectations feels necessary.  
 For me, pain has been avoided at all costs.  Pain has been the emotion I’ve struggled with allowing myself to feel.  I just tuck all of my pain down deeply and put it to sleep with carbohydrates and press on.  When I told my friend today that I realized anger is my go-to emotion, she folded her arms and with a half grin said, “So how’s that working you?”  By the looks of things, not that well. 
My highly intellectual and spiritual side understands that it’s God’s to control, not mine.  I’m fully aware that God wants to free me from those unrealistic and self-imposed expectations.  Many days I’m preaching the same sermon to the people around me, but when I’m at the end of my self-righteousness, I am just a mess in need of a Savior. 
 Kind, well-meaning folks have tried to help me see that it must have been “God’s will” for Joshua to die that fateful evening.  God must have needed another angel in heaven.  Please, friends, say nothing, rather than say something stupid!  Not for one moment do I believe that God woke up on July 23 and decided to rip Joshua off of the planet by means of the front end of a deputy driven crown Victoria chasing a stolen car. There is sin in the world.  Sin is responsible for the stolen car.  God wasn’t unaware and he was there to welcome Josh.  Need another angel?  I don’t think so.  I am pretty sure God needs nothing we have to offer.  He desires our praise and obedience but he’s not using our death to recruit new angels.  
I understand we need to have a place to put tragedy in our mind so that it makes sense, even when it’s senseless.  I know God’s glory has shown throughout this tragedy.  At the same time, though, in my flesh this hurts! This grief journey has just begun with it’s twists and turns.  This grief is unavoidable.  Bear with me as I navigate these uncharted waters.

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