Not That Complicated

While I was drinking coffee and reading from a Gideon Bible at a hotel in Atlanta this morning, my phone rang with a recorded message. It was an update on Devin Hawkins, a passenger in the stolen car that led to Josh's death. Periodically, I will get updates for him and Ronnie Pittman, the driver of the stolen car, letting me know they have moved to a new prison. As the victim, I have a right to know. Thankfully, there is little reason for me to think of them unless their names are brought up. I will say at this point I don't feel much compassion for them. They were hell bent on being criminals by the looks of their rap sheets. I don't have much hope that this incident has changed them. I don't hate them, I think of them as lost in the darkness of sin. It comes to me as I am writing this, I have never prayed for them. I have never thought to pray for them. Perhaps that says more about my feelings than I am choosing to believe. Monday will be July 23, 2019. Two yea...

Mother's Day left me tearful. I'm finding myself feeling anger and sadness as June is just around the corner which means July is sure to come. I kept saying my anger wasn't with a person, but it was anger that this is the way is has to be, anger that this has to happen at all. Truth is, though, I'm angry at God. I'm angry that he didn't intervene. I'm angry that he knew how much I depended on you and how you ministered to me on so many levels. God knows I've been angry, he is I Am after all. God knows that I hurt, He sees me when I cry, He hears me when I have little invisible conversation with you. This week when I was telling you "I'm just plain mad," I could see you standing in front of me saying, "Mom, get a grip. It's going to be okay. What's the worst that could happen? I already died." It was that unmistakable voice you used when you would assure me, "Hey, I got this." I know you think all of ...

This morning I got an opportunity to share this with my faith community. December 21, 2018, I met Ryan, the young man who ran the red light that killed Joshua.   It was a meeting I had asked the county solicitor about having and she was kind enough to get it arranged. I wanted to see him as a real person and look into his eyes.   All I knew of him were the smug selfies in his deputy uniform I’d seen on Facebook.    There were things I could have said and questions I could have asked him, but none of that seemed to matter.     I wanted him to know how important Josh was to me and the people who knew and loved him.   Somehow, I wanted to convey something meaningful.   From the very beginning of this tragedy God has amazed me with his love and how close He has stayed by my side. From the very beginning of that Sunday, God had been right beside of me.   No doubt Ryan had replayed July 23, 2017 over and over in his mind.   The ...

So November 2, 2018 and still I find that if I get something else in the mail regarding your case or your estate or anything it sets me back almost all the way back to July 23, 2017. You would think that of all the tasks that have challenged me since your death, the least of these would be dealing with Apple over your IPAD.  I'm glad they are respecting your privacy, but I'd just like them to do a factory reset on it so that someone else could enjoy it.  I appreciate that the matter has to be carefully reviewed by the legal-begal's at the home office.  After being told that seal could not be seen on the Probate letter appointing me as your representative, I just lost it son.  I think that even you would be to the point that you'd be screaming, "JUST UNLOCK THE FREAKIN IPAD" Josh pleading his case I had to do it, Josh.  I had to pull the cancer card, along with spontaneous outburst of sarcasm and a dash of motherly guilt.  You would be proud th...

For the past year while going to work,  I have driven passed a trailer with writing on the side.  In black spray paint there are the words, "Never Give Up." I don't know how long it's been there.  I only started noticing it after Josh died.  The first time it caught my eye, I stopped and thought, "Wow, Josh you are speaking right to me."  Today as I passed, it occurred to me that time was passing quickly.  For all I know, the trailer won't be there tomorrow, so I stopped and took a picture.  This is just one of my little Josh symbols over the past year. Another one happened a couple of weeks ago when a young man was painting the posts on my front porch.  He had a hard story and was really looking for someone to talk to.  Six months earlier he had been in a serious accident where he died three different times.  It left him changed.  He found he was more emotional and had lost interest in the things that used to hold his atte...

Has it really only been 11 months since you moved on to higher ground?  There are days it feels like it was forever ago.  While  you have moved into eternity, life here has managed to keep moving forward.  If you had asked me even just a few months ago if things were moving forward, I would have denied it.  Most days I have felt stagnant. I keep getting up each day and going to work.  Watching Nate get bigger and bigger helps to mark the time,.  The seasons keep changing.  The cares and worries of life keep cropping up to push grieving to the back burner. Initially I would feel almost guilty if I hadn't cried in a few days or had neglected to obsess over your passing.  Dealing with all the legal aspects kept me stirred up for the first 8 months, but by March, all of that was over.  Between that and some medication changes, I haven't felt as crazy and out of control with all of my emotions. A few weeks ago, I was finally called...

2:50 a.m. Friday. July 23, 2017, I shouted something into the atmosphere.  I have repeated it often since that moment.  “My Jehovah Jireh is going to show up and show out!” . I’ve had almost 8 months to sit back and watch God do what he does for his children.  This bold proclamation of faith wasn’t born out of anything other than my experience with God in the past.  I’ve had about 25 years of experiencing God work in my life in dramatic ways.  Often these have been at times when I was my absolute weakest without anything to offer.  Often I was begging for strength or rescue from some mess that was 100% all my fault.  How is it that with this rich history of God’s fingerprints all over my life I can still struggle with depression and anxiety to a crippling extreme at times? Flesh? Sin? Trust issues?  I guess the list could go on and on.  The past couple of months I have struggled to sit in sadness.  Happiness and jo...